Hide the kids! Bolt the doors! It's the -- HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA There's been a lot of media noise lately about the so-called 'Homosexual agenda,' so we here at Cybernews decided to get our crack reporters on it right away. We asked my gay upstairs neighbor Steve. We know Steve is a homosexual, because: % His name is Steve. % He has track lighting. % There are no empty beer cans in his living room. % He uses the word 'teal' on a regular basis. % When all his underwear are dirty he does his laundry, rather than turning them inside-out for a second use. % He once said to me "I am gay." One of our other neighbors told me that Steve is a 'major homosexual.' We asked Steve about this, and he revealed that yes, in fact homosexuals may be promoted to seargent, lieutenant, all the way up to general homosexual (awarded to those who are all-around, or generally homosexual). Steve also admitted to us that there really is a homosexual agenda, which he showed this reporter. To the untrained eye, the 'homosexual agenda' looks just like a regular datebook. Here are just a few excerpts from this unnatural and family-threatening manifesto: Monday- Laundry Tuesday- Walk the dog Wednesday- Pick up dry cleaning. (Aunt Louise's birthday!) Thursday- Lunch with Mom Friday- Library books due Admittedly, this document wasn't as controversial as we had hoped. It didn't strike us as the kind of thing people would get beaten to death over. We asked Steve about this, and he revealed that the real reason straights are uncomfortable around gays is jealousy. This sounded a bit more likely to sell advertising space-- I mean newsworthy, so we heard him out. Here's what Steve told us: Gay men can walk into a gay bar anytime, day or night, and have quick, anonymous sex with the partner of their choice whenever they feel like it. They need not exchange names, get married, make a commitment, or even call the next day. Do you have any idea what straight guys would give for instant sex with a different partner whenever they feel like it? They would give BODY PARTS! Maybe your boyfriend is reading this along with you right now. Maybe he's laughing that nervous laugh he has. You know the one. "I don't know who they're thinking of Honey, but it's not me! A rich, varied sex life with an endless succession of firm, hot young co-eds is for guys who haven't experienced the joys of commitment! "I love that we're waiting until we're married! Love it! The way I see it, sex is just icing on the cake of a healthy relationship. The important thing is that we can share our feelings with one another. And that we can be really open. That's also super important." How much would you pay for this lifestyle? But wait-- there's more! Homosexuality also has a little something to offer for the ladies! Here's a conversation between a straight couple about commitment: Him: Marriage? We've only been dating for ten years! Of course I feel... the 'L' word... about you, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready for marriage! Her: Well, take your time. Every day I become older and less marketable on the dating scene, while your increased income means you become more marketable. Oh, and don't you worry about my biological clock-- I'm sure I've got five, maybe six ovum left. I'll just continue to serve as your surrogate mother and guarranteed lay while you go out drinking with the boys every night and basically refusing to grow up. He's not sure he's ready for a commitment? Honey, let me translate that for you: "What if I marry her, and then someone with larger breasts comes along?" Now let's see that same conversation between two lesbians: Her: Hi. Her: Hi. (pause) Her: Wanna move in? That's right-- one night after softball practice breaks early, the two of you kiss and BAM! The next morning you exchange vows. NO dating! NO waiting by the phone! NO "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a commitment right now." Lesbians move from one long-term relationship to another. And there are countless other advantages-- NO missing the toilet when they pee! NO 'on the rag' jokes (well, actually, quite a few more of them. But you cycle together, which is interesting). And while men average 6 or 7 minutes before climaxing, two women can go for HOURS! You read that right, HOURS! "But-- I've never really enjoyed oral sex." You say. Honey, that's because you've never tried it with someone who KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING! --- forwarded message From pardo@meitner.cs.washington.eduMon Aug 7 10:19:42 1995 Forwarded-by: psl@acm.org (Peter S. Langston) Forwarded-by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Forwarded-by: Joe.Provino@East.Sun.COM (Joe Provino - Sun BOS Software ) Forwarded-by: Michael.Stoddard@Eng (Mike Stoddard, Sun Desktop 1 CAD)