Things To Keep In Mind!!!

   Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

   Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

   There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

   Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

   Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

   A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

   For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

   I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

   Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

   Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

   There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

   I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

   Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

   A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

   I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

   If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

   Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
   rock.

   Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

   If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

   24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?

   If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

   Everyone is entitled to my own opinion.

   If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

   Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

   It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

   If you only knew how naive you are...

   Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.

   Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

   Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

   Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

   Do witches run spell checkers?

   Department of Redundancy Department

   Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

   What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.


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The 25 Keys for a Happy Life

 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
24. Never wrestle a pig.  You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize 
    it's a do-it-yourself thing.