Overheard in a restaurant: Customer asks, "How do you prepare your chickens?" Cook answers, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die." ---------------------------------------------------- A FEW FROM STEVEN WRIGHT After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? You can't have everything...where would you put it? My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...well, to make a long story short... I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add. ---------------------------------------------------- I was driving along stuck behind a local city bus. It lumbered uphill, emitting great quantities of thick black diesel exhaust. Through the haze, I could just make out the ad on the back of the bus for an area FM station. The slogan: "Fresh Country Air". ---------------------------------------------------- There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance...every time I enter the farm, they insult me!" ---------------------------------------------------- America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve. The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding and infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says: "Anybody got a match?" ---------------------------------------------------- I got this from the June issue of "Discover".... ...Among science students Caltech is the capital of retaliation. A particularly satisfying incident in the early 1970's involved a math professor who annoyed students by his mechanical, predictable approach to teaching - his lecture notes were straight from his book. One student got hold of a device that changed the normal frequency in an electrical outlet to any desired value. He plugged the classroom clock into it and, over serveral weeks, upped the speed -first by 10 percent, then 12.5 percent, then 15 percent. Each day the frazzled professor raced through the tried-and-true lecture faster and faster, until finally he was reduced to fast-forward gibberish. ---------------------------------------------------- Washington at War is like Washington at peace, only more so. Consider the following incident (from David Brinkley's Washington Goes to War): [A] vice president of a New York City bank heard of a Washington job opening in the Office of Economic Warfare, applied for it and awaited an answer. While he waited, Leo Crowley, director of OEW, dropped into the same New York bank and asked its president to recommend somebody for the job he had open in Washington. The bank president recommended the same vice president who had already applied for the job. The vice president was hired on the spot and moved to Washington. Weeks later, at work in his new office, he got a letter from the OEW that had been sent to his old New York address and forwarded to him in Washington. The letter said he had been rejected because he was not considered qualified for the job. Looking again, he found he had signed the letter himself. ---------------------------------------------------- To: HUMAN-NETS at MIT-MC I found this hanging in the hall here: To the Editor ... (The following was a letter-to-the-editor in a recent issue of the "National Observer.") "There are in the country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines and the 8-cent postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles," electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is now going to tell the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the results." ---------------------------------------------------- advertisement seen in weekend paper: Vacation Time! 1972 Corsair 18' trailer, well-maintained and ready for summer fun! Your's [sic] for just $2695. With all extras, just $7195. ---------------------------------------------------- Sighted the other day in Palo Alto... LOVE THY NEIGHBOR TUNE THY PIANO ---------------------------------------------------- This week the Supreme Court settled a tax dispute between RCA Corp. and the IRS. It was for RCA's taxes for the years 1958 and 1959. That's only 24 years! ---------------------------------------------------- A quote from today's SF Chronicle-- "...the automated office is still in its infancy. More IBM Selectric typewriters are stolen in a year than word processing computers sold..." ---------------------------------------------------- Quote from this month's "Intel Solutions" - "Intel's own Board of Directors could not agree on whether to proceed with the commercial sale of the 4004. Their resistance was underscored by the company's marketing department which, based on the belief that micro- processors would only be sold as minicomputer replacements, initially estimated the entire world-wide market at only a few thousand units per year." ---------------------------------------------------- LEMMINGS DON'T GROW OLDER THEY JUST DIE "You have a seatbelt; has it hugged you today?" ---------------------------------------------------- I know of Richard Mitchell only by the following quote from _Less Than Words Can Say_. "Should we raise a generation of literate Americans, very little of America as we know it would survive." ---------------------------------------------------- Not to mention the classic: Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. -Tom Lehrer Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs. -Glaser and Way Digital is to analog as steps are to ramps. Herb Caen noted today that, in a certain building in San Francisco, every door leading to a staircase bears the notice "These Stairs Are Alarmed"; further reflection suggests that this tension is appropriate, since, after all, a relaxed staircase is a slide. ---------------------------------------------------- Washington, February 8, 1982 Barry Goldwater, R-Ariz., made these points yesterday in Senate debate of whether to televise Senate sessions: "I don't want to spend three hours every morning getting prettied up." "The longer we speak, the less we say. Only the Lord will know what will happen in this chanmber when the red light goes on." "We will have to get our hair fluffed, get our wives to tell us what tie to wear - and nothing makes me madder than to have my wife tell me what tie to wear - and we will have to shine our shoes." "If this were televised, there would be 97 senators catching hell at home for not being here." ------------------------------------------------------ A Record Claim. There it was, printed in the New York Times, and an obvious candidate for scrutiny by Skeptical Eye. The story was about a Pennsylvania doctor named Arthur Lintgen, who could look at a phonograph record with its label covered and, from the pattern of grooves, correctly identify the recording. In some instances, he could even name the conductor. It was obviously a case for James Randi, DISCOVER's favorite investigator of psychics and other charlatans. Randi was happy to oblige. "I thought the doctor's claims were quite far-fetched," he says. "I called Lintgen and asked if he would mind taking a test identifying some of MY records." Lintgen agreed, but explained that he preferred fully orchestrated classical music from Beethoven's time forward, and nothing as avant garde as electronic music. Randi agreed to Lintgen's conditions and arranged to meet him in two hours. Dashing off to a record store, Randi bought the following recordings: Beethoven's Sixth; Ravel's "Bolero"; Holst's "The Planets"; Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture"; Mozart's 40th and 41st symphonies; and two versions of Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." In adition, as controls for his planned scientific test, Randi picked up a rock album by Alice Cooper and a voice (without music) recording entitled "So You Want To Be a Magician." Randi covered the labels and matrix numbers of all the albums with layers of aluminum foil and paper. He then gave the disguised records to a colleague, who covered the labels another time, so that when the test began Randi himself did not know which album was which. In science, this is called a double-blind test; it prevents the experimenter's bias from influencing the results. DISCOVER does not fool around. When Randi handed the first album to Lintgen, the doctor examined both sides. "This is a pair of classical symphonies," he said, "but I think it's pre-Beethoven probably a pair of Mozart symphonies. -- At the end of the test, when all of the labels were uncovered, the record turned out to be Mozart's 40th and 41st symphonies. -- Randi gave Lintgen another record. He examined the grooves and asked, "Is this one complete composition? If it is, I don't know it. But I'm almost sure it's Beethoven's Sixth." He took a closer look: "Oh I see, they've added an extra overture . . . the "Prometheus" Overture." -- Lintgen was correct. -- Another record. "This is gibberish," Lintgen said. "It's not classical. It doesn't seem to have much structure." -- Alice Cooper. -- Another. Lintgen laughed. "There are no instruments on this. If I had to guess, I'd say it was solo vocal." -- So You Want To Be a Magician. -- Next. "This is Holst's Planets. I've never seen this recording before. Must be digital. And probably a German orchestra." -- Indeed it was the Berlin Philharmonic. -- An so the test went; the doctor never made a mistake. How does he do it? He is a classical music buff, and expert in the dynamics of orchestral music; he knows every passage of hundreds of symphonies, and recognizes the patterns made in the grooves by diferent rhythms and volumes of sound. Says Randi, "He's the real thing there's no doubt in my mind. I was flabbergasted." Lintgen, dedicated to medicine, regards his unusual talent as nothing more than a hobby. Unlike others challenged by Skeptical Eye, he claims no paranormal powers, and, in a controlled test, demonstrated that his ability was authentic. DISCOVER's staff, jaded by spurious claims of the paranormal, welcomes Lintgen's most refreshing rebuff. ---------------------------------------------------- From "Sailing", by Henry Beard & Roy McKie ... sailing: the fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense. alcohol stove: compact stove used in small-boat galleys to bring liquids to body temperature and solid foods to cabin temperature, usually within one hour. aneroid barometer: meteorological instrument which sailors often use to confirm the onset of bad weather. Its readings, together with heavy rain, severe rolling, high winds, dark skies, and a deep cloud cover, indicate the presence of a storm. battery: electrochemical storage device capable of lighting an incandescent lamp of a wattage about equal to that of a refrigerator bulb for a period of 15 minutes after having been charged for 2 hours. berth: any horizontal surface whose total area does not exceed one half of the surface area of an average person at rest, onto which at least one liter of some liquid seeps during any 12-hour period, and above which there are not less than 10 kilograms of improperly secured objects. boom: laterally mounted pole to which a sail is fastened. Often used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position. brightwork: mental effort through which the more intelligent individuals on board ship evade their share of boring and unpleasant tasks, such as polishing brass hardware. chronometer: precision intrument which registers sharp impacts by displaying a telltale spiderweb pattern on its glass face, by the absence of a normal ticking sound when held to the ear, or by the presence of small, loose pieces moving around within its case when shaken. It also indicates excess humidity by forming tiny droplets on the inside of its face, and when stopped, it displays the correct time twice each day. flashlight: tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal. porthole: a glass-covered opening in the hull designed in such a way that when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and when open (while at anchor) it admits light, air, and insects (except in Canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry in this manner). radar: extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. ---------------------------------------------------- MEDINA, Wash. (AP) - Puli is a well-behaved Hungarian sheep dog who spends most of his time lying in front of a fireplace, never jumps on the furniture and never makes any noise. Puli has been dead four years. But his owners, Suzanne and Rob Fleming, continue to enjoy their freeze-dried dog. "It's sort of like Puli is still alive because of all the laughs he gets," Suzanne Fleming said. The Flemings once left the fluffy white dog in the back seat of their car while they went sailing. Upon returning, they asked a friend to let the dog out. "Larry kept whistling, 'Come here, boy,' took a closer look and said, 'Uh, Rob, I think you might have left your dog in the car too long. He's not moving.' We were in tears we were laughing so hard," Suzanne Fleming said. The dog was diagnosed as having spinal cancer in 1984, and the Flemings had him put to death. For $650 a taxidermist in Portland, Ore., posed the dog lying on its side with head up and looking alert, then freeze-dried him. The dog weighs about 10 pounds and needs only occasional cleaning. The Flemings' teen-age daughter was not as enthusiastic as her parents about their decision to have the family pet preserved instead of buried. Suzanne Fleming understood her daughter's anger. "I mean, how do you tell your friends that your parents are having (the family) dog freeze-dried?" she asked. ---------------------------------------------------- From misc.rural: A friend told me this the other day, and I'm still chuckling. She says its true because she was there. Kim grew up as the eldest daughter of an undertaker in Hayden, Kentucky. She says it was quite a small town, and she helped her dad in his business. As part of the "funeral package," her dad would provide a seven word notice in the local paper that served as the obituary. A frugal woman from deep in the hills who was making the arrangements for her recently deceased husband was asked what she'd like to say in the paper. She pondered this for a spell, then said, "John is dead." Kim's dad, after a pause, reminded her that seven words had been paid for, so she could use them all. Apparently, the woman pondered a bit more, then with a very serious expressions said, "John is dead. Pickup truck for sale." ---------------------------------------------------- A postman was on his last day of delivering mail when a woman asked him to come into her home and have lunch for his last day on the job. He came in and they had a wonderful lunch. She then asked if he would like to go upstairs. He said, "Why not?" and went upstairs with her. When they were done, as he was thanking her for a wonderful time, she handed him a dollar. He said, "I appreciate the lunch and the upstairs thing even better, but why the dollar?". She said, "Yesterday, I was asking my husband what I should do for your last day since you have been such a great postman and I really wanted to do something special. He told me, 'Screw him, give him a dollar,'" she said. "Lunch was my idea." ---------------------------------------------------- Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T Square," and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule." He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?" The Teamster called his dog, whose name was "Coffee Break", and said, "Show the fellows what you can do." Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave. ---------------------------------------------------- Two businessmen who live in suburban Connecticut and work in New York City decide to get themselves a mistress. They set her up in her own apartment in the city, and agree to split 50-50 all expenses related to her. A few days every week, one of the men calls his wife to say he'll be working late and will take the late train home, and then wines and dines the mistress all evening. The men alternate evenings with her, and things go fine for a few months. One day the mistress announces to the two men that she is pregnant. They decide to do the right thing: they will take care of the baby financially, splitting all expenses 50-50. Nine months later the mistress goes into labor on a day that one of the men is out of town on a business trip. The other goes to the hospital with her. When the absent businessman returns, he heads for the hospital, and sees his friend looking very glum outside the maternity ward. "Is she all right? Were there problems with the birth?", he asks his friend. "Oh, she's fine," replies the first man. "But I'm afraid I have some bad news. She had twins, and mine died." ---------------------------------------------------- Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven, talking about the earth, and some things that they never got to do when they were there. Jesus says to Moses, "Man, I really want to go and play just one game of golf. Maybe God will let me go and play a game." So Jesus went and asked God if he could play a game of golf. "Well, I suppose," says God "but Moses has to go with you to be your caddy." Jesus and Moses agree, and soon find themselves at Pebble Beach, with golf shoes, a bag of clubs, and one ball. Jesus was playing a good game when he came to the 9th hole and saw a plaque. It said, "The only person to ever score a hole in one on this hole was Arnold Palmer." "Well," says Jesus, "If Palmer could do it, why can't I? I'm Jesus Christ." Moses gives him his ball and tee, and stands back to watch. Jesus adjusts his robe and halo, fixes his stance and exhales deeply. He shouts "Fore!" and whacks the ball. It sails into the air, hooks a little to the left, and splashes nicely into the water trap. "Oh, no!" says Jesus. "That was my only ball! Hey Moses, could you go and get it for me?" Moses goes down to the water trap, parts the water, and walks in and gets the ball back. Jesus tees off "Fore!" and it sails down into the water trap. "Hey Moses..." but Moses was already on his way to get the ball. Moses came back, but before he gave back the ball, he said, "I'm tired of getting your ball. If you hit it in the water again, you can go get it." Jesus takes the ball, and sure enough, he hits it straight into the water. Then he goes down to the water, and starts to look for the ball, walking on top of the water. Sone other golfers start to play through, and they notice Jesus walking around on the water, so one guy says to Moses, "Who's that guy think he is... Jesus Christ or something?" "No," replies Moses, "Arnold Palmer." ---------------------------------------------------- A father was walking with his young son in the park when they came upon two dogs having sex. The boy asked his father what the dogs were doing, and he replied, "They are making a puppy." A couple days later the boy walked in on his parents who were having sex on the couch. The boy asked his father what they were doing. Blushing, he said, "We were making a baby." The boy replied, "Can you turn mommy over? I would much rather have a puppy."