From a kid's Halloween costume (superman) - stitched into the
cape was a tag saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not
Enable Wearer To Fly".

From a Pop-Tart (TM) box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot
When Heated"

From a newspaper article: "A congressionally-funded study has
determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels
on cigarette packages"

From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet: "Warning: Do Not
Use While Sleeping"

They never cease to amaze me.

=-=-=

On the package for Top Cog <tm> fan belts (automotive use), the first step of
the instructions tells you not to change the belt while the engine is running.

=-=-=

From a Boston Globe piece, during a 1973 summer heat wave, describing
ways to "beat the heat."

"No. 1. Stay out of the direct rays of the sun."

=-=-=

As I contemplated posting this, I glanced accross my desk at the used
Dr. Pepper bottle, to find ONE MORE little tidbit:

"(!)WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR
OTHER SERIOUS INJURY.  POINT AWAY FROM PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHILE OPENING."

So remember, when you buy Dr. Pepper, be careful!  AT ANY MOMENT, WITHOUT
WARNING, it may just explode!

=-=-=

And my personal favorite....

Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant:

"Caution: DO NOT LICK LID"

=-=-=

Written on the back of one of those things you put in your car windshield
on sunny days when you park to keep your dash from melting:

DO NOT OPERATE VEHICLE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE

=-=-=

from the Indigo Owners Manual  p 6-9

Hardware Dos and Don'ts
...

Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.

=-=-=
I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY
CAT, cat litter]. 

The best has to be: "JONNY CAT is the best value for your money.  A 20 lb.
bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more
than 14 lb. bags!"

Other importanant info:

"100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat
especially absorbent."

AND THEN they have a section for "Other Uses" of Jonny Cat:

"GARAGE SPILLS-sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains"

"TRASH CANS-a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies"

"REFRIGERATORS- an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent"

"GARDENS-enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth"

All this from a cat litter!  Who could ask for more!

=-=-=

     And my favorite warning appears on a box of those cloth roller towels
in restrooms.  It says something like:

     Warning!  Improper use may cause serious injury or death!

=-=-=

Speaking of injury and death....  I recently bought a radial arm saw,
admittedly a genuinely dangerous product.  Of course the manual had
two or three warnings per page about hands, fingers, and arms being
cut off.  The one that really suprised me was the warning on one page
about cutting your *leg* off.  It took me quite a few days of
pondering to figure out how that could be accomplished, but I haven't
tried it yet.   I even figured out one way that you could cut your
*head* off, and there wasn't even a warning about that! 

=-=-=

Back in the good old days when TRS-80s were king, one of the TRS-80 line
printers had a wonderfully ambiguous warning sticker:

     "Keep hair, fingers, and personal objects out of this printer."

We always wondered what was meant by "personal objects", and what sort
of person you'd have to be to put a "personal object" into one.

=-=-=

It cracks me up every time I see a juice
carton, with the words "Serve ice cold" written on it.  How else would
you serve ice?

=============================================

Every Sunday the Washington Post runs an amateur humor competition called
the Style Invitational ... a new contest is begun and the results from a
previous contest are announced.  What follows are the results reported in
yesterday's contest ...

The Washington Post
May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition

Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products.

   We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy:
  On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't
made up.

   Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
(Gary Dawson, Arlington)

   Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

   Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball:
Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

   First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers:
Not for use as a flotation device.
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

   And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:

   On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

   Honorable Mentions

   On a refrigerator:
Refrigerate after opening.
(Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

   On a pack of cigarettes:
WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one
cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so
incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you
night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion,
unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your
nerves.
(Jacob Weinstein, McLean)

   On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.
(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)

   On a handgun:
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

   On pantyhose:
Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
(Judith Daniel, Washington)

   On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
(Peter Fay, Herndon)

   On a can of Fix-a-Flat:
Not to be used for breast augmentation.
(Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)

   On Kevorkian's suicide machine:
This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer
in laboratory rats.
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

   On a Pentium chip:
If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2
shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

   On Lyndon LaRouche literature:
Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic,
and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me.
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

   On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

   On a palm sander:
Not to be used to sand palms.
(Patrick G. White, Taneytown)

   On a calendar:
Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties
express or implied.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

   On Odor Eaters:
Do not eat.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

   On Sen. Bob Dole:
WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

   On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.
(Gary Dawson, Arlington)

   On a fax machine:
WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked
buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.
(John Kammer, Herndon)

   On syrup of ipecac:
Caution: May cause vomiting.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)

   On a revolving door:
Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

   On a microscope:
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

   On children's alphabet blocks:
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be
deemed offensive.
(David Handelsman, Charlottesville)

   On a wet suit:
Capacity, 1.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

   And Last:

   On The Washington Post:
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.
(Joseph Romm, Washington).

---
forwarded message
From bricker@june.cs.washington.eduTue May 23 13:13:43 1995
From: David Smith <daves@3logic.com>